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Woman Seeking… Human Shield To Ward Off Unwelcomed Wedding Questions

I’m great at being single.

I love catching a movie solo, heading to the North Market on a Sunday morning, spending an evening in to watch whatever I want. I’m good at it and sometimes I’m even downright happy. But it’s the pity, questions, and follow-up questions that make being single at a wedding damn near intolerable.

I have great things going on but all the sudden i’m reduced to a lowest of the low; I am the woman alone.

These Zen-destroying thoughts have finally gotten the best of me after going stag (again) to the marriage of two of my friends. While waiting in the lobby of the hotel, a well-meaning relative of my friend fired off, in a machine-gun-like manner, three of my (now) most dreaded questions: “Are you married?” “How old are you? “Are you at least engaged?” BAM BAM BAM. What the what?

Did she seriously just ask me my age?

That’s it- I’m raising my white flag.

I know I’m not the only single person out there, so how am I the only one rocking the dance floor solo? Where is everyone else finding their dates? Match.com? Their little black (Face)books? Craigslist? Oh, i know, a desperate semi-facetious article in (614)? Motherf*cking BINGO!

So here we go:

I’m looking for a platonic wedding date partner. Throughout the wedding season, we would serve as each other’s backup wedding dates. No money. No weird stuff. No hard feelings if you start dating someone and bail on me. Just someone to help each other ward off awkward inquiries from relatives, to chat with during cocktail hour, and someone to be a ready-to-go slow dance partner. Hands above the waist, please.

Are you male, 27-40? Okay with cursing? Like to dance, and can control your booze intake and can drunk dial an Uber in under 60 seconds? You must have good hand-shaking technique and special consideration will be given to anyone able to name at least one Bob Dylan album. Hair optional.

And on my side? In addition to having a flare for sarcasm and deep-felt love of weddings (food, booze, dancing, and cake? YES!), I’ll get along great with your family and friends, especially your grandpa and your best friend’s pouty girlfriend. I’m deft at eluding questions about my relationship status and talking about my European travels instead.

I’m a high school French teacher so I have to say that my greatest strengths include being able to read a room, talk slowly while repeating myself (which can be helpful when dealing with drunk adults), and dressing in layers with functional shoes (no complaining from this gal!). I love to dance, can control my booze intake, and am so maternal that I will make sure you and all your friends make it safely home- and I can cock-block or facilitate an encounter if so desired. Either way, once the clock strikes midnight this little lady is heading home unattached.

We got five months to get this sorted out before the start-up of the 2016 season.

In the meantime, I won’t get pregnant if you don’t.

-Andrea Saunders