While we were putting together The 100—this issue’s package that looked back on some of the biggest storylines of 2015—we were struck by how much happened, and how short the year seemed in retrospect. It was a busy, blurry, awful, great, interesting, messy year, and like most years, it would have been pretty tough to predict a lot of it in advance.
Who would have thought that Jeni’s, one of the city’s most iconic brands, would suffer two consecutive major setbacks? Or that Stone Brewing would pass on coming to Columbus, only to have a craft brewer from Scotland commit to establishing its first North American facility here shortly afterward? Even Ohio State’s huge championship victory, which only required two wins in the calendar year of 2015, seemed like a hopeful possibility at the end of last year to any realistic fan. Alabama and Oregon back to back? Even the faithful had their fingers crossed.
But the Buckeyes did it, and it was an auspicious start to an unpredictable year. So, of course, we thought we’d try to predict a few of next year’s biggest stories. Here’s a preview of what we think we’ll be sharing with you in 2016:
Dancing In The Street
The city will finally set up one of those open-container drinking districts that it has the power to create now. People will make a huge deal about it, and for better or worse, they will compare it to Bourbon Street in New Orleans. It will not be like Bourbon Street in New Orleans.
Howard Dean Would Like A Word
A presidential candidate will have a meltdown in Columbus. This is practically a statistical certainty given how often they’ll be here. The more surprising development will be if it’s only one of them.
Third Time’s The Charm
We’ll have a four-month debate about legalizing marijuana. It will feel like déjà vu. Advocates will say it’s our best chance to get it passed. Opponents will say that weed will be made into candy if it’s legalized. Because, seriously, won’t somebody please think of the children???
A Giant Leap
There will be an extra day in February. Sounds crazy, not so sure how it’s gonna happen, but we’re feeling really confident on this one.
Gin And Capri Sun Maybe?
A new drink trend will hit the city exactly five years after New York. Ask your friend from Brooklyn what she was drinking four years ago—that’s the next cocktail du jour in Columbus. And say goodbye to all those Moscow Mules and barrel-aged something or others.
Oh Rio Rio!
People will get very, very excited for the Rio Olympics and then watch very, very little of it.
Apple will release a new round of emojis, and you’ll see at least a few and say, “What the hell is that supposed to be?” (That last one in the row above—that’s a wind chime. Who the hell needs a wind chime emoji? What’s happening in your life that you’re like, “Thank God they added that f*cking wind chime emoji. Really made my communications easier.” Pull it together, Apple. This isn’t what Steve Jobs meant by Think Different.)
Lumbersexual Isn’t A Thing
Beards are done. We’ve reached peak beard-saturation levels. The pendulum has to swing back the other way at some point. We’re calling it—it’s 2016. That Dollar Shave guy is gonna be insufferable.
Yelp, You Made It
You’ll finally check out that new restaurant, the one you’ve been meaning to try. No, not that one, the other one. You’ll really like it, but you’ll wish you got the soup instead of the salad. That’s on you, though—always get the soup.
Does That Make It A Thinkpiece?
You’ll get to the end of an article, read the last couple words, pause, and then think to yourself: Huh, I wonder why he decided to end it like that?