Illustration by Alix Ayoub

Real Talk with Fake Urban

Urban Meyer has already inspired many things since arriving at Ohio State—players, students, fans, and probably much to his chagrin, a parody Twitter account, @FakeUrban. Sample tweet—FACT: we’re selling booze in parts of my stadium to keep you people there during blowouts. In anticipation of one of the biggest real seasons in Buckeyes history, (614) caught up with our beloved fake coach for a conversation about, well, you’ll see.

Cardale Jones’ jersey number is in your email address. Is that a clue as to the starter in 2015?

You’re reading too much into this. 2012 was the year I started my account (and coaching at The Ohio State University). Back then Cardale was grounded from tweeting after telling the world that classes were pointless. Brady Hoke was considered brilliant. LeBron James was playing basketball in Miami. Jared Fogle was considered an upstanding citizen. Nick Saban was an ass. Oh wait. That part hasn’t changed.

Who has the best tweeting ability on Ohio State’s roster?

Everybody seems to talk about Cardale’s tweets, but I love Cameron Johnston, the junior Australian punter kid. Even though I don’t really plan on punting this season, he responds to my tweets. There was a time last fall when Cardale followed me on Twitter. I can’t pinpoint the exact date, but he decided to unfollow [me] at some point after our win over Maryland and before J.T. Barrett broke his ankle in the fourth quarter of the *ichigan game. His unfollowing made me sad and will play a role in determining my starting quarterback.

Besides Ezekiel Elliott, which other Buckeye looks best in the bare midriff jersey?

[OSU President] Michael Drake. He wore it well during Gene Smith’s private National Championship Hot Tub Party back in June.

Are you ever worried about Urban or Shelley Meyer’s reactions when you tweet?

I’ve tried to be respectful, and I think Shelley and the entire family appreciate it. Except when I swear. The biggest compliment I receive is when fans tweet that they’re convinced that REAL Urban is really Fake Urban and is using the fake account to send his real thoughts. I find it concerning that many of those same fans really think Urban is using the Twitter app on his phone while he is coaching and/or berating officials.

Have you interacted with Real Urban?

I think that if he sees me, he will kill me. No questions asked. And I’m saying that just because he’s been asked about Fake Urban. He absolutely knows I exist, and I know fans and some members of the media have asked him about my account.

Were you surprised when Shelley started responding to you on Twitter?

I was at first, but I quickly realized how “real” she is. She responds to a lot of fans as long as there is respect being shown. She’s mentioned to me that I’ve said some things that her husband has actually said to her privately so I guess I’m doing something right. Their three children also follow my silly account.

Favorite Big 10 coach to troll?

I really miss Bret Bielema. I was trolling Penn State’s James Franklin until he blocked me, and Illinois coach Tim Beckman blocked me after I mentioned that my silly fake account has more followers than his REAL account. So I guess it’ll be Harbaugh.

Give us the first tweet from the as-of-now nonexistent Twitter account @FakeWoodyHayes.

Whoever let Rutgers in the Big 10 will suffer a slow and painful death.

Do you get annoyed when fans refer to the Buckeye team as “we?

We don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.

How many games are we gonna win this year?

I think one of the most stressful games this season will be against Stupid Rutgers, just because it’s a night game on the road after a home night game against Penn State. Not only is it dangerous to be out at night in New Jersey, but Stupid Rutgers has stupid fans. Remember, their fans rushed the field after they beat That Team Up North last season. Pretty much everybody beat That Team Up North last season. The game at Illinois could also be scary since it’ll be on the road in November the week before our biggest game against Michigan State. Then we play the Spartans and at Harbaugh University the next two weeks. I think both Mark Dantonio and Captain Khaki will have their troops ready. And assuming Wisconsin wins the Big 10 West division, I’m thinking they might want to at least kick a field goal against us in the conference championship game.

Add in a college playoff semifinal and a national championship game, we should win 15 games. No problem. #eek