Illustration by Alix Ayoub

Parting Shot: Lesser Columbests

Each year we struggle to pare down the list of places and people for our annual ColumBest awards, seeking only to include the most popular names in the city so our readers can choose their favorites. Sometimes even the categories come under scrutiny, and while we know you would love to weigh in on all things Columbus, we have to limit the awards to the low triple digits. But where to draw the line—Best Salad? Yeah, of course we’re including that. What about Best Croutons though? Or Best Dressing? Best Restaurant Dressing or Best Store-bought? You see the dilemma.

While we’re confident in the 130 awards presented in this issue, we’d like to pull back the curtain a little and let you see some of the other categories that didn’t quite make the cut, as well as some almost-winners.

Favorite Place to Get Stuck in Traffic

1. 315 S – Just west of Ohio State, as the skyline comes into view. Ahh, the vibrant heart of the city provides a gorgeous vista, especially when the sun hits it just right through the exhaust fumes as you idle in your car, desperately trying to get somewhere, anywhere else.

2. State Route 23 (between Downtown and Powell)

3. An Easton parking lot

315 S Also Won: Favorite Place to Fly by a Cop While He Has Some Other Poor Schmuck Pulled Over

Best Chain Restaurant to Have a Drink While You Wait for Your Table at a Local Hotspot

1. Outback Steakhouse – It’s Australian for “not locally sourced.” But you gotta admit, the Bloomin’ Onion is pretty bangin’ as far as petrified piles of breaded vegetables go.

2. Chipotle

3. Anywhere but Applebee’s

Favorite Former OSU Player You Forgot About for a While But Enjoy Remembering Now and Again

1. Ricky Dudley – Just your average, run-of-the-mill guy who signs on to play basketball at one of the best programs in the country, then decides to play football for two years, and then gets drafted into the NFL ninth overall—five picks ahead of Heisman-winning teammate Eddie George. Yeah, that happened.

2. Terence Dials

3. Carlos Snow

Best Local Band Your Mom Sometimes Pronounces Right

1. The Reaganomics – Because, well, you know, Reagan. She thinks she heard them once, on the radio maybe? Do they do that? She’s not sure, maybe it was Dishwalla. Or Yellowcard. Is that a thing?

2. Red Winning Blue (Yeah? No?)

3. The Floortalkers

The Reagonomics Also Won: Best Band Named after a President, slightly edging out George Moshington and James Polk’s Polka Players. Babraham Lincoln broke up during voting.

Most Overheard First-time Visitor Comment

1. “Yeah, we have something like this in Brooklyn. I went there a few years ago. It’s okay.”

2. “Where’s all the corn? Hahaha, yeah, I’m just messin’ with you. But really though, I thought there’d be corn.”

3. “What’s the pizza places-to-citizens ratio, one to one?”

Best Daily Newspaper

[no votes]

Best Excuse for Missing an Important Family Event

1. Signed up to work ComFest beer tent, held captive all weekend – Good luck trying to make change for two tokens and half a joint after you’ve been awake 57 straight hours. Or explaining to your family why smelling like CBC and gyros is proof that you were kidnapped by community volunteers.

2. Fell asleep on CBUS Circulator, accidently visited Bicentennial Park 18 times in one day


Best TV Commercial Personality

1. Kevin Kurgis – Three things to know about Kevin Kurgis: 1. Kevin Kurgis is a lawyer. 2. He’s coming after the person who wronged you, or who didn’t stop you from wronging yourself. 3. He’s angry about something; he’s gonna point his finger right at you, and never, ever blink.

2. Fred Ricart as The Cardeal Hunter

3. Your next president [election years only]

Kevin Kurgis Also Won: Most Likely to Arrive at a Wreck before the Ambulance

Favorite Locally Inspired T-shirt You Almost Bought

1. My other Columbus T-shirt is ironic – Hipster T-shirt artist—the best job available for sociology graduates. How many designs does it take to pay off a Perkins loan?

2. O H I O [discontinued after lawsuit from The University]

3. CoGo: If you’re drunk enough, you don’t even realize you’re biking