Can We Help You with That?

Do you have trouble waking up in the mornings for workouts? Do you hate getting into a cold car for the trip to the gym? Nothing clean and fashionable to wear to that fitness class? Sick of showing up to the studio just in time to see someone else grab the last elliptical?

Well now there’s a solution—fitness concierge services.

Like the name implies, fitness concierges exist to make your gym life easier, whether it’s arranging for freshly laundered clothes to arrive at the studio for your workout, sending a car to drive you there, or having a trainer get your ass moving by going to your house to wake you up with some inspiring words and a grande coffee.

The soon-to-be trend was started last year by SIN Workouts in New York City, and the company has already expanded to Miami, with its eyes on Chicago next. SIN (Strength in Numbers) costs $350 per month for membership, in addition to charging for individual classes and services, like bringing you a pre- or post-workout nutritional juice or reserving a spot on a favorite machine. For the right price ($100), a SIN trainer will even take a class with you, motivating and high-fiving you through the whole session.

All this got us thinking, why stop at reserving a treadmill or running next to you? Hence, we are proud to announce the launch of our very own training service, Fit 4 U.

At Fit 4 U, we don’t see the reason you should have to sweat so much just to get the results you want. Sweat tastes like salt, and salt is bad for you! (Is salt still bad for you? It’s hard to keep track.) Choose from our list of personal fitness and nutritional concierge services to find the package that best fits your lifestyle and needs.

Basic: There is no basic package. Nobody wants to be basic. Go do pushups in your garage, Oliver Twist.

Ultra Premium: One of our consultants will set up and break down all your weights before and after each exercise, program your machines, wipe your face with a towel, and mist you with spring water between sets.

Luxury Elite: Same as above, plus a personal sponge-down in the shower afterward. The consultant will tell you how well you did, regardless of whether you did well.

Champagne Deluxe: We will come to your house after your workout, cook you a four-course meal, feed you forkful by ever-loving forkful, and clean up afterwards.

Gold-plated Venti: Same as previous, but for an extra Benjamin, we will chew your food and mama-bird that delicious nutrition directly into your waiting gullet. Nom nom nom!

Platinum-encrusted Platinum: Our consultants will go one step beyond working out side by side with you. Jogging? We will put you on our shoulders and run like the wind. Spinning? We’ll get down on our hands and knees and manipulate the pedals to your preferred speed. Benching? Just place the barbell on your chest and then we will press you and the weights all together. Feel the burn!

Rolex Ducati: Just a nice, firm massage twice a week.

Luxor VIP Gulfstream: One of our consultants will wear your Fitbit / Jawbone / Amiigo / Nike+ Fuelband to the gym, exercise for you and post our stellar results to your social media feeds so all your friends can see how important health and fitness is to you.

Donald Trump Fever Dream: The above, plus we’ll also ridicule your friends, because they are slow and weak and out of shape. Not like you. You’re so lean and strong!

Grand Ultimate Diamond Glitter: We’ll use your smartphone to take a scantily clad selfie of our consultant in your bathroom mirror, because she’ll have the body you always wanted.

We are Fit 4 U, and we appreciate your business.

For more information about SIN Workouts, move to New York City. Go on, get outta here.