Let’s talk about junk food.
Everyone loves it: we have all been sadly beholden by a crispy bowl of fatty wonder at some point or another.
To make things worse, nothing goes better with junk food than junk drinks—I mean, who among us has not at some point realized the huge and terrifying power of a cold Coca-Cola straight out of the can?
But Americans are not alone in this pursuit. I wanted to know what kinds of unhealthy snacking decisions people of other nationalities were making, so with a little help from my friend Victoria Mahnke, I set out to delve deeper into international munchie waters, complete with faux-stoner dialogue:
Stop No. 1
1167 Old Henderson Rd.
Gettin’ Cool Melon Soda
Vic: “First let me state for the record that I don’t like melon.”
Me: “You got the cool melon soda anyway?”
Vic: “Well, it says Gettin’ Cool, on it, and nobody’s cooler than me. You can taste this by just inhaling it. Open your mouth and do it.”
Me: “Smell it like a cat, you mean?”
Vic: “This is like a Clearly Canadian. I think it’s really sweet. Very melon-y. You can’t taste this like a cat? I can totally taste this like a cat.”
Me: “That’s some bullshit.”
Vic: “This is growing on me. It comes with awesome warnings, too: Do not place any body parts in the bottle.”
Me: “This is caramel corn in a weird processed shape. It looks like leprous macaroni.”
Vic: “It looks like a corn puff.” (crunching noises)
Me: “Ooh, that’s like junk-y breakfast cereal!”
Vic: “I like this! Ding-ding-ding! That’s a hit in my book. The packaging is amaze-balls.”
Stop No. 2
4233 Shoppers Lane Westland Mall
Me: “Ooooooooh, this is intriguing. Look at that bright orange color, like an orange-ier Dorito.”
Vic: “These are really corny. This is not giving me a boner. I think my cat would like them, though.”
Takis (fuego flavor)
Me: “Compared to any other Mexican snack, Takis rule.”
Vic: “Yeah, Tostachos can suck it next to Takis. Takis are killin’ it right now. Boy, these are BRIGHT.”
Me: I mean that’s as much citric acid as anyone can handle. It’s thin and crisp; it’s sturdy, but you get a good crunch, too.
Vic: You could definitely poke someone’s eye out with this.
Me: Their eyes would be burning, too, because they’re pretty f*cking spicy.
Senorial Sangria Soda
Me: “How do they get soda to taste like wine? It really is wine-y. This is a great drink for pregnant chicks who don’t want to party.”
Vic: “What’s tamarind?”
Me: “It’s a tart, fruity pod. They use it in a lot of candies in Mexico, and they put chili on it.”
Vic: “That sounds terrible.”
Me: “You don’t like this?”
Vic: “It’s fine, but I’m talking about a sucker made of this, plus chili? Pffffttthh. Grody, dude.”
Stop No. 3
5843 Sawmill Rd. Dublin
Haldiram’s Mint Flavor Potato Sticks
Vic: “Okay, number one, they’re the size of fries from Steak N’ Shake, and I take offense to that. Ooh. I’m not into this snack.”
Me: “I love ’em. I think it’s like a salty, salty mouth adventure.”
Chat Pats Onion Bhooji
Me: “This is made of chickpea flour. I think it’s really yummy.”
Vic: “I like this. They’re a little crunchy, and it’s kind of giving me a headache.”
Kurkure Hyderabadi Hungama flavor
Vic: “I’m into it. They’re kinda tomato-y, kinda spicy, but not overly. This is my Indian winner right here.”
Me: “We were told by an employee of the store that Limca is “like Sprite, but fruitier.”
Vic: “Okay, let me describe the flavor of Limca: It’s like Sprite, if you add some bong water to it. I liked the beginning of it, and then it turned waaaaay dank, like they put a mushroom in it. It’s starting to make me feel gross. Maybe it’s the Tostachos.”
Me: “Amazing. It’s like a curried Coke. I agree with the name. Thums Up, but put a “B” in there.”