Nerd Moon Rising

Due to completely unforeseen circumstances, nerds – as a collective – have won. It was a long, weezing struggle up the ladder, but in the end, we were triumphant. Hollywood drops more money on comic book movies than they ever did on the tough guy, Die Hard-style porn of the ’80s; Bill Gates could buy and sell nearly everyone in professional sports; and the most-watched show on television (The Big Bang Theory, 23 million viewers) is about four physicists who miraculously get laid on the reg. But we, as nerds, are not a vengeful group. In the spirit of the universal cosmic acceptance we’ve always aspired to, here is a brief guide to surviving in this new and often confusing world of Nerdtopia.


It may have seemed as if nerds were poor conversationalists. You’ll find that this was not the case. In fact, some of the best conversations at a party were at your expense from the corners in which we were relegated. But now that we’re leading the charge, you might want to wade into things, discussion-wise. Talking is kind of our jam. Thing is, sports and cars probably aren’t going to make the rotation – unless you’re talking Quidditch and Delorians – then, by all means, go for the brass ring. Failing that, talking about Marvel can get you a pass. If you’re really stuck, just toss out a, “Man, did you see American Horror Story last night?” and then fade into the background. And remember this simple rule: Loud doesn’t equal engaging.


So far, it’s been a quantity game. Several Buds with a couple of Jaeger Bombs peppered in for variety. You should probably start drinking some craft beer. Beer Nerds are happy to lend a hand – but you can’t just “pound brews” anymore. Try sipping. The idea here is to taste the beer. It’s a radical concept, but you’ll acclimate soon enough. It’s probably too much to ask that you identify a fine Montrachet on your first day, but it’s a step away from doing body shots, which is a positive. Also, try a cocktail. Don Draper drinks them, and he’s kind of a bro.


You’ll need some of these. They’re the things that look like thick magazines with cardboard covers. Left to right, top to bottom, front to back. There’s knowledge in there, so try to let some of it in. Like John Waters said: “If you go home with somebody and they don’t have any books, don’t f*ck ’em!” Readers love that quote.


Believe it or not, this field has been dominated by nerds for hundreds of years. All musicians worth a salt have been nerds. This goes double for metalheads. You show me a guy with long hair and a denim vest shredding on guitar, and I’ll show you a man who knows way too much about Norse mythology. And punk dudes are all repositories for comic book knowledge. Even rappers are huge nerds. There may be big talk in their lyrics about how they were the toughest guy in their neighborhood, but you’ve gotta know that’s not true. The toughest guy in their neighborhood wasn’t sitting down every night writing poetry. The toughest guy in their neighborhood has been in prison since he was 18 and can barely put two sentences together. Hope you like dubstep and K-pop, because a bunch of pop artists have been trying to throw a lasso over that sound for a couple years.


We blew by you on this one a long time ago. Ever since the ’80s, nerds have been cleaning up. Take a look at the richest people in the world. It’s like a high school chess team photo. Mark Zuckerberg is a 30-year-old billionaire with a wife, and the guy still looks like a virgin. Big deals used to go down on the golf course. Now some of the best ones probably go down on Xbox Live. Step your Titanfall game up and you might get a foot in the door.


A bit of good news: Nerds make great friends. Want the first season of Dexter on Blu-Ray? A nerd’s got your back. Lost the presentation you were supposed to give at work? A nerd’s in your corner. Can’t figure out your taxes? Nerds. Nerds for days. But beyond being friends with people for what they can do for you, nerds are friends with people whose company they genuinely enjoy. For years, they sought other outcasts and wove together their own social scene – which was made ever stronger with the berating of jocks and tough guys and mean girls. Most nerds, despite this, are accepting and kind and willing to forgive…unless you mix up their fandoms, in which case you’re shunned forever. You might get knifed if you mix up Star Trek and Star Wars. 


I’m afraid you might be at a disadvantage in this department. You will never top nerd sex. Nerds screw better than you will ever screw. It arises from not knowing if that time will be the last time, every time. This never-ending audition for repeat encounters has honed our sexual skills to a level that may very well be unattainable. You know that bookish guy who works in IT at your job and always has a slight smile on his face for no reason? He screws better than you. He’s been chained to something or someone at some point. Nerds paired off in college and did things to each other that only sex-deprived, unchaperoned, desperate people can conceive. If a nerd agrees to have sex with you, don’t try and show off. Just thank a merciful and loving God – if you’re into that sort of thing – and prepare to get ruinead.

Oh, and “this one time…at band camp…” is real, son.