Photo by Greg Bartram

Back From the Dead

Bo Biafra, the lead singer of Dead Schembechlers (the esteemed anti-Michigan punk band), disappeared in fall 2012 in what most people feared was an act of kidnapping carried out by the fictitious (?) New Wolverine Order (N.W.O), part of a much larger International Wolverine Conspiracy (I.W.C). With only a trace of his safety brought forward – a letter from his captors that claimed they held Biafra, drawn with the childlike handwriting of a typical Michigan fan – it seemed as if N.W.O. was back and stronger than ever.

The I.W.C. needs some explanation. Members, as purported by the Dead Schembechlers, are very specific alumni of the University of Michigan. Supposed leaders include James Earl Jones (aka Darth Vader, which all things evil spur from), Madonna (with her provocative dancing and signing that have created whorish monsters of our youth) and Emil Konopinski (a member of The Manhattan Project i.e. the atom bomb that will erase us all from this planet).   

But, just as all things Michigan eventually spiral into failure, the hatred for the most hated team north of Ohio was restored on June 6, 2014, when Biafra was released in exchange for a reported five tons of doughnuts, most likely for Brady Hoke, head coach of Michigan.

As such, the opportunity to talk to Biafra proved quite difficult to arrange. He was extremely cautious (he would not meet in person and would only call me, as his number is blocked). He fears for his safety still, as well as those who come into contact with him. His initial response for an interview was as followed:

“If your request for an interview turns out to be no more than a ruse to sell me out to The International Wolverine Conspiracy, I will personally track you down and grease you.

Do not f**k with me.

Now then, what can I do for you?”

I gave Biafra my number, which he called hours later. I did not answer. After a voicemail saying he would try again, he sent an email to my editor and me for I was in danger in Biafra’s mind:

“Just tried Young Hanner’s number. No answer. Does he still live or has the New Wolverine Order learned of plans to speak to me and swept his existence from the Earth? I fear for his safety. Will try him again in moments.”

After picking up the phone the second time around, Biafra’s signal was fuzzy and the call was bordering on being lost – perhaps forever. Finally, the call was clear.

“I apologize,” Biafra said. “I was just in a bunker and I had to get out into an open field so I could hear you.”

After setting an interview time for the following day, Biafra failed to call. And for days after, I heard nothing from the elusive character who was slowly starting to convince me that an outrageous conspiracy had indeed taken over his thoughts, careening him into a state of psychosis. Instead, the common cold got the best of him.

Then, like the great Craig Krenzel in 2001, he appeared, out of the fog. I spoke with Biafra and allowed his words to serve as the record for all things anti-Michigan, the return of the (un)Dead Schembechlers (this month’s Hate Rally ’14), and the current state of Ohio State football. 

Can you tell (614) who was behind your disappearance and what they had you do in captivity?

Several years ago, members of the International Wolverine Conspiracy took me in Ohio. Now, this is a group of Michigan grads bent on world domination. They control the government, industry, media. Because Dead Schembechlers have been their most outspoken critics, I was taken against my will and moved to the Upper Peninsula to the Moeller Re-education Center, also known as Camp Gitmoeller.

What did they do to you?

I was tortured. I was forced to listen to Bo Schembechler halftime speeches at piercing volumes. Woody Hayes books were torn in half before my eyes. I had to march naked on the grounds of the facility to Michigan marching band songs. 

Are you seeking revenge for your time lost? Time that could’ve been spent hating all things Michigan?

Indeed, this is a key year for the rivalry. The Buckeyes have never been defeated by the Wolverines. Reports of their losses are purported by the I.W.C., who are set up to enslave people across the planet. (Author’s note: Biafra asserts that Michigan has faked all OSU defeats through CGI technology) Athletic director and corporate whore Dave Brandon has crashed the whole Michigan program along with eating machine and head coach, Brady Hoke. We have a new song, “We’re Going to Rip Brady Hoke’s Head Off and Sh*t Right Down His Neck.” OSU is also looking for all-time conference wins and all-time attendance. Have you heard about this Buy a Coke and Go See Hoke? The university is enticing people with Coca-Cola in exchange for tickets because students are too horrified to attend games.   

Has your experience under the thumb of Michigan tormenters brought you back to life with the Dead Schembechlers?

I’ve hated Michigan with all my heart and soul since my birth. I was born during a Michigan-OSU game. This lit an extra fire under my ass to seek revenge against them.

Do the Dead Schembechlers have anything in store for Hate Rally ’14?

Violence, blood, and very loud music. We’re getting back to our punk rock roots. When we first performed our first hate rally in 1990, they weren’t really rallies. We only had one song back then, “I Hate Michigan,” which was 12 seconds long. We would play it for an hour and a half before Michigan fans chased us off with pipes and two-by-fours.

Where is OSU football in accordance with the dismal state of Michigan football?

This is the ultimate battle between good and evil on this planet. The one thing I have against OSU fans is that they praise the false God of a National Championship and Big Ten Conference wins. I thought last season was good because it forced OSU to concentrate on beating Michigan. There is nothing more than beating Michigan.

Hate Rally ’14 will take place at Ace of Cups November 28 at 8 p.m. The Buckeyes stand up to the terrorist Wolverine Nation the following day, game-time TBA (which almost always means noon).