Editor’s Note: Due to an organizational miscommunication, David S. Lewis received this assignment in error, a horrifying accident I deeply regret. To the best of my knowledge, he has never seen a football game in his life. On behalf of (614) Magazine, I apologize.
Sport Fans! Great News, Indeed!
All true fans of Sport should be waving their hands around in the air right now, and perhaps yelling! We should have our bare manly chests adorned with non-toxic paints trumpeting our loyalties, and we should be drinking beer constantly and aggressively…it’s football season, and LeBron James is back in Columbus!
Lebron, a longtime native of our fair city, left us for Cleveland, Ohio, to play for one of its Sport teams. This obviously caused us considerable consternation, but nothing approaching the shameless baby-pooped-its-pants whining from Clevelanders when Mr. James came back to us, via Florida.
James is a large man, and very fast, so there’s every reason to expect him to play very good Sports. Indeed, until recently, I’m sure the question on every Coach’s mind was, who would get him first, and which Sport did he want to play?
No time for that kind of dithering around, now. Braxton Miller, a quarterback and another large, fast man, had muscles too strong for his bones and his shoulder exploded. I don’t mean to play armchair quarterback (though my shoulder’s already pretty sore from it, too!), but Coach, you gotta consider LeBron James for the top football position of quarterback!
Let me make my case:
• LeBron just got back. He’s probably still rested from the trip, depending on whether he drove or flew.
• A football is objectively smaller than a basketball, although shaped very differently.
• Everyone seems to like LeBron again, which means he will probably get along with his teammates pretty good.
• Your other quarterback option is a redshirt freshman who’s never played a game for the team(!), like you forgot you might need an extra one of those, like you went to the football store and remembered everything on the list, right down to the down markers, but somehow you didn’t get my text that said “Hey!!!! 4got to put QB on the shopping list!!!!!!! Were almost out, thnx!! ;P”
• Seriously, coach…did you even watch Miller last year? He played like Charles Bronson in Death Wish, running straight into the fire. You didn’t think there was even a reasonable possibility the dude was going to get hurt?!
• LeBron is a very good jumper. He could probably just leap over opponents trying to tackle him. Perhaps they would even collide humorously underneath him! Wouldn’t that be something?
In other Sport News, the Cleveland Browns could probably benefit from LeBron getting better at football. According to sources on the Internet, I can’t really find where he’s played football at all. Even a gifted “natural athlete” like LeBron will probably need some practice in order to be a really good quarterback. For instance, a basketball is almost totally round, while a football is only round in certain places, and sorta pointy in others. Scientists and athletes agree that these differences in shape mean there are important differences in how they are thrown at other players.
Back to Ohio State Sport
We have to remember that football is not a sport played alone, like skiing or sluge. There are other people on the team, each of them with a special skill set, which is usually running quickly. Sources from the Internet indicate that, while Coach Urban Meyer seems to have forgotten to get extra throwers, he did not forget to encourage the running-fast skill sets of all the other players on the team. Sources close to the team confirm that the players would often run foot races with each other, which while appearing to be simple play, is also an effective means of running faster. Speculation has it that, for the most part, this year will be the fastest running year for the team ever. So wow! Just what we needed!
Yet another important part of the team never runs OR throws the ball, or really plays Sport at all. The Marching Band, a staple of football games for some reason, has learned to play with something else…
That’s right, folks. The Marching Band, already widely considered very good at their instruments individually, will this year play with each other, all at the same time. There will be Trumpets! Big Drums! Probably hats! And it will be good music, although they mostly just play covers.
I’ve never really understood why the band plays its tunes at the football game…I always find it rather distracting, like hearing a guitarist lay down a scorching guitar solo during a bar fight. Who am I supposed to be paying attention to? But for many years, the University’s noisy pretend-army starts honking at regular intervals during the play of Sport.
But anywho…hopefully this year they can work together with the rest of the team that does run and they can emerge victorious and the grass will runred with the blood of their enemies from all over this proud nation. Great luck, everybody! •