Doggie Style
By Josh Fitzwater |
|
The story goes that in the late 1800s, a prolific civil attorney from Missouri coined the phrase "man's best friend." Times have changed and that little adage is so 1870s. Nowadays, your dog's role has gone from accomplice and sidekick to full on wingman - or wingdog. The dog that gets you laid is truly man's best friend. However, there are some breeds that are deal-sealers and some that are deal-breakers. Here is a snapshot of the types of dogs that will help you do it like they do on the Discovery Channel.
Deal-Sealers:
Bulldog
This is a dog that is cute in a repulsive kind of way and has enough personality to push your would-be suitor over the edge and into your bed. Their hard looks are endearing and they have a kind of bumbling ambiance to them. But don't under estimate this pooch - Bulldogs are very friendly and full of big, slobbery loving. They also get bonus points for being lazy and not really caring about what's going on under the sheets.
Yorkshire Terrier
The year is 2009 and it is officially okay to be metrosexual. One of the best ways to evoke your inner diva and snag an equally high-maintenance mate is to have a tiny little frail rat-like dog. There is no better kind than the Yorkshire Terrier. Yorkies are so cute it almost makes you mad, but they are a shoo-in babe magnet. This breed of dog has some sort of extrasensory ability to attract the opposite sex to you in droves. They will open the door for you - you just need to make sure you can turn the attention back toward you and seal the deal. A Yorkie's little frame and microscopic heart and lungs means it probably needs lots of power naps which translates into a lot of time for quickies and nooners before the thing wakes up and has to pee.
Labrador Retriever
Labs make the list because I'd like to think that this is the type of dog that would give you a high five after a one-night stand, if they could. Labs are smart, loyal, and athletic, which will help you land a smart, loyal, and athletic romping partner. They come in an assortment of colors like an accessory and you could probably train it to fetch you some "protection" so you don't even have to get up in the heat of the moment. They are great with kids, too - just in case your fling turns into something more or you have an oopsie-baby.
Deal-Breakers:
Mastiff
Although every time I see a mastiff, my mind is literally blown by how crazy and awesome this dog looks, they are predators posing as house pets. This is a dog that, if the fancy struck it, could beat you up and take your would-be bed post notch away. That is never a good thing. Only people like Hulk Hogan, Chuck Liddell, and Ray Lewis can have a dog like this. A mastiff usually weighs in at nearly 200 pounds and could probably bite your face off, steal your wallet, and run up an extraordinarily high bar tab if he wanted to. The moral of the story: don't trust a mastiff with your date, wallet, or as your DD. You will lose.
Pekingese
This dog could be said to be in a perpetual state of the terrible twos. The dog is super-energetic in an overbearing, annoying way. They're needy attention whores, the type of dog that has to be in the middle of everything - including the hook-up you are trying to close. With its ear-piercing, shriek-like barks, consider the Pekingese a game killer.
Send us your pet photos for our gallery! victoria@614columbus.com
Originally Published: September 1, 2009
