The Summer Swing
A mom's guide to placating your bored brood
By Kelley Bell |
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Summer is in full swing and my kids are bursting with excitement, basking in their newfound freedom, and whining, "MOM, we're BORED! There's nothing to do!"
I answer with suggestions of time honored summer favorites like kick ball, catching fireflies, or the infamous: "Go clean your room." Oh yes, they "love" that one. If mom wants a quiet moment, those magic words make 'em scatter like cockroaches under a flashlight. It's amazing really. Under normal circumstances, kids are noisy, messy and constantly under your feet, but mention the word "clean," and suddenly the house is as vacant as the Bates Motel.
I know they are somewhere in the shadows, though: planning their attack, waiting to strike. I know what they want, too. Their target is either a mission of conquest over the kitchen, or a way to get into my wallet. I alone stand guard against the mini-mutant army. The vacuum is my greatest weapon. I keep it in the kitchen next to the refrigerator and my purse. When I hear them coming, I turn it on and call out in a sing-song voice, "Honey, could you and your friends help me with a couple things real quick?"
It works every time. Without that vacuum, my summer grocery bill would rival the national debt.
Most parents think of summer as a time to enjoy the simple things in life, like a little financial relief from school year bills. In fall it's all those expensive back-to-school supplies, in winter it's the holiday shopping, and just when all that is paid off, its time for the annual $pring break vacation. Summer is a time where there are no school lunch fees, no cupcakes for the class, no "pay-to-play" extracurricular costs, and no $30 vats of baking soda and paper mache to buy for science projects. Summer is a time when parents expect to relax and let the financial strain of parenting ease up, at least until the grocery bill comes in. It's a little known fact that all children carry the prehistoric DNA of locusts. On their own they seem harmless enough, but when banded together in groups, a horde mentality takes over. They can ransack a kitchen faster than you can say Pearl S. Buck.
I've found the best way to protect the groceries is to get the kids out of the house. When I can't hold them off any longer, I pack them up for a road trip. With the oil spill in the gulf, summer gas prices are expected to rise to around $87.50 an ounce, so I make it educational by teaching the kids how to siphon gas from the neighbors. I also encourage regular physical exercise by having them get out and push when the gas gauge hits "E." My kids just love all the exciting adventures I plan.
Ohio offers so much to do in summer, especially in terms of cows and corn, (which are both edible by the way). I drive the munchkins around until we come across a farm with some corn and some cows, then open the doors and yell "Lunch time!" Unfortunately it doesn't work all that well. Apparently cows are of little interest unless they come with fries and a Happy Meal box. The corn only serves to confuse them. Without a plastic wrapper, they don't recognize it as food, and instead use the ears as airsoft guns.
The sight of the cows just makes them beg me for McDonalds, trips to the mall, money for the movies, and that new $60 XBox game that just came out. (And hey, what would summer be without childhood memories of sitting for long hours in a dark basement making your Halo avatar run through virtual landscapes with a gun?)
In order to combat these modern day forces, I try to expose the kids to family activities reminiscent of a simpler time. I try to interest them in things like a good old-fashioned family camping trip, a summer pool pass or day at the zoo. Of course, the idea usually dies out after a 10-hour internet search and a summary of the costs. In the end, that XBox game is still the cheapest option out there, and dad would rather just spend his time at home on the computer anyway. So I surrender. I let them raid the refrigerator, have sleepovers and buy the XBox game. It works pretty well for a week or so, until they finish all the levels, emerge from the basement and say, "MOM, we're BORED! There's nothing to do!"
But not to worry; I have my trusty vacuum close at hand.
Originally Published: July 1, 2010
