Valentine's Day - Schmalentine's Day
By Josh Fitzwater |
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Your main squeeze isn't worth diamonds or an autographed Brent Barry basketball. In fact, they aren't worth anything. But breakups can get pretty messy and you certainly don't want to be the bearer of bad news. The right gift, however, can put your significant other over the edge, forever ridding you of Hallmark's worthless day of love.
For Him:
-A colonic
-A chastity ring
-Tickets to the Mariah Carey concert at the Schott
-A locket with her baby picture inside
-The complete Golden Girls BluRay box set
-A Marc Anthony poster
-Viagra concealed in a Percocet container
-All the tools you need to begin scrapbooking
-One of those ear-hair trimmer things
-The declaration, "I'm going off the pill!"
For Her:
-The Clap
-Size 12 jeans (especially if she's a size 2)
-Old kung-fu movies
-A 2010 Monster Truck calendar
-Gift certificate for an oil change - but not for her car
-A Marc Anthony poster
-A Jenny Craig membership
-An adult Mastiff
-A baby you made with someone else
-A bottle of Proactiv
Originally Published: February 1, 2010
