Opening Volley
By David Lewis |
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When one of 614's publishers approached me with the idea of doing an article on the P90X Extreme Home Fitness program, I was excited. I generally gravitate toward experience-based journalism, and I figured two weeks on the intense diet and workout regimen would be good for me.
It wasn't good for me. It was a bloody disaster.
I'm new to the world of fitness videos. I didn't realize what I was getting myself into. I invited my girlfriend over to my house, a duplex on the South end of town. I changed into my shorts and started looking through the 14 DVDs that came with the program.
Editor-in-Chief, David S. Lewis getting in shape!
Photo: Chris Casella
"Kenpo," I read. "That's like karate. Let's do that one first."
"You have to start at the beginning," whined the lady, as though she knew the first thing about Journalism. I humored her and inserted the disc entitled, "Watch This First," feeling like an idiot for complying. It was like watching a nature documentary about a species that you don't care for, chock full of phrases like, "Forget 'I can't' and say, 'I presently struggle with.'"
The first workout video took place in a dark, Fight Club-esque gym, decorated to look like a real gritty and intense place. I glanced around my living room: a 3 1/2 ton floor jack serving as an ashtray and a variety of lumberjack-style equipment, axes and shovels, a maul. Gritty setting? Check.
The trainer came out of the shadows to get us warmed up. A chatty individual who refers to food as "fuel," Tony Horton led us through a variety of warm-up exercises like jumping jacks and leg lifts, while constantly cooing motivational drivel.
"You're an Animal, and I love you," he whispered seductively as we did our awkward squats. I began sweating in alarm, praying there wasn't some kind of 'surprise porn' component to the workout, as we moved on to the jumping jacks.
Suddenly, there was a pounding at the door. I hit 'pause' and looked out the window; it was my assistant editor, Abby, who lives on the other side of the duplex.
"Everything is falling off our shelves! It's like an earthquake! What are you guys doing over here?" she shrieked. "Kate and I thought you were having adventure sex or something."
My girlfriend looked at me with sad hippopotamus eyes.
"My girlfriend feels like a hippo, now," I replied. "I hope you're happy."
"Just settle down. You're breaking things," she said.
We stubbornly did a few more jumping jacks and consoled ourselves with gelato.
Since then, I have half-heartedly participated as my girlfriend did Pilates and the Jillian Michaels (from The Biggest Loser) workout. Pilates took place in the desert and at a beach; it was presented in a mellow fashion that was perfect for a nap. Michaels, conversely, is insane, and very mean-spirited. I took a break during the workout to run to the toilet. As I washed my hands, my cell phone rang.
"Hello?" I asked.
"Get your fat ass back downstairs," replied Michaels.
"Howdyougetmy . . . "
"Now!" she hissed.
I shuddered, and scurried back to the TV. She's that intense.
I am more into the practical workout, I learned. When Mark Lucas, who conducted an excellent interview with the President of Iceland for this issue, wanted me to help him bust up a log, I knew exactly what to do. With frosty breath, I stood outside in our yard and used a borrowed maul to expertly remove the outside of the bark, and an ax to shave off the soft white wood underneath. When the handle of the maul splintered and the ax's blade grew dull, I began ripping at the bark with my teeth and fingernails. A police cruiser slowed as he drove past the house; spying a guy in a yellow suit screaming in the darkness as he swung an ax struck the officer as Unusual, but as soon as he saw that there was no visible blood, he sped away . . . no sense getting involved in something Weird.
Which is my attitude exactly. If something needs chopped, I can do that. If a hole needs dug, I am game. If a marauding bear needs to be fled, I will escape. But while exercise videos might be a great way to trim excess pounds for many, all I lost was a little dignity.
So commit to be fit, Columbus, but find the path best suited to you. It is a new year, and we are a chubby city. In these pages, you will find healthy meals you can cook yourself, and healthy meals available at the fine restaurants participating in 614's Restaurant Week Columbus this month. Interim Adventure Girl Liza Alwes took a fencing lesson while we tried to locate poor Megan Burkholder. Local fitness guru Andy Berger even tells us how to let go of 10 lbs in two weeks, slicing off the holiday madness without a single DVD trainer in sight.
Don't let the noble goal of healthy living be tyrannized by workouts that aren't right for you, but neither should you allow laziness or complacency get in the way of the body and health that you desire, and deserve.
Okay,
David S. Lewis
Editor-in-Chief, (614) Magazine
Originally Published: January 1, 2010
