Landon Proctor

So it’s December and you’re going to buy sparkling wine to celebrate something, or at least you’d better. You could get all, “drinking Champagne to celebrate things is purely a social construct and merely a historical accident of clever marketing in the 1800s,” but why bother?

All that fancy talk doesn’t change the fact that when something good happens, bubbly wine is delicious and expected. But how do you decide what to reach for? Of course it goes without saying that sparkling wine should be drank regularly and not ONLY at sweet, awesome times like the holidays and whenever you win the Super Bowl. Feel free to apply what follows more generally.

You can go one of two routes: Champagne, or something else sparkling. There are a few scenarios where authentic Champagne is customary and anything less would be detrimental to the mood or setting.

• If you normally carry a monocle, top hat, diamond-tipped walking cane, or velvet cape, you might consider sticking to Bollinger, as it seems to fit your image.

• If you’ve worked up a thirst while burying some of your vast holdings of gold bars, Pol Roger should do the trick.

• If you’ve ever been outraged by the temperature at which your foie gras-infused carrot foam was served to you, again, Salon is probably the best route.

• If you’re christening another one of your ships, by all means, reach for the Egly-Ouriet.

The rest of us 99-percenters will be over here counting our cash and making sure we’re getting a good deal before we shell out for something special.

So maybe you’re one of the 99 percent and you’re wondering what else is sparkling, other than Champagne. Well, technically, any wine with bubbles not from Champagne, France, isn’t Champagne, but I’m going to take the liberty of assuming you’re not interpreting the question pedantically and instead considering other decent categories of sparkling wine that won’t break your bank.

If you have roommates who you aren’t married to, have you heard of Cremant? It’s sparkling wine made in the traditional style in France but not from the Champagne region. It tastes great and it’s not too expensive. Do you only fill up your gas tank when it drops below a certain price? Let’s talk Cava. It’s Spain’s classic sparkling wine and it’s a great value, often coming in at a respectable $10 to $12 a bottle. Do you only order off the value menu? Prosecco is a deliciously fruity bubbly alternative from Italy that’s rightfully become quite popular lately. And if you’re living with your parents, Champagne proper might be slightly too luxurious. May I suggest an excellent bottle from California, such as those from the Chandon, Mumm or Schramsberg houses, as a reasonable alternative?

For those of us in between the rich house and the poor house, there are always great Champagnes at reasonable prices that simply aren’t as well known as the big and sometimes quite expensive brands. If you care to go looking for them, you can find them at decent wine shops and fine restaurants around Columbus. Some of my favorites include L. Aubry, Pehu-Simonet and A. Margaine. Salud!

Landon Proctor is (614)’s incredibly talented, ass-kicking and supremely humble wine specialist. Find out more about him at www.landonproctor.com.