Brace yourselves, Buckeye Nation. In the last few years, it’s quite clear that Ohio State, the Big Ten and the country’s collective football council has embraced what used to be the SEC’s bastardized gridiron version of the designated hitter: the 8 p.m. kickoff.

Yes, Miami and Nebraska are road games but the Homecoming game against Wisconsin is already set to be played under the lights and there’s no telling what will happen to all of the TBAs once the season starts.

Some will like it, some will scream that this flies against the face of tradition and Woody Hayes is smashing clipboards in his grave. Regardless – it’s happening.

Which means, for you rooks and traditionalists – you’re going to have to change the way you tailgate.

Noon kickoffs are easy to handle; you get up at the crack of dawn, load up the Buckeye Bus, and head to the parking lot and pound tallboys until 11:15. That same formula seems to work for those 3:30 kicks as well, except you can covertly consume controlled substances until 2:30, but there’s no way to do that when the game starts at 8 p.m. You need to put together a gameplan.

We suggest you laminate this puppy and stick it in the waist of your gameday pants, like the sideline general that you are.

A 12-Hour Field Guide to the Best Tailgating Day of Your Life

8 a.m. For a nooner, this is about the time you’d be setting up your cornhole set. But for the evening kickoff, your alarm is just now going off. Ask yourself three questions: Is the grill gassed up and ready to go? Is the beer in the cooler? Do I have my Braxton Miller jersey and face paint laid out? If the answer to all of these questions is “yes,” reward yourself with another two-hours of sack time. Trust me, it’s going to be fine. If you don’t trust me, and you crack a cold one at this time of day, you’ll be missing some valuable game experience later, and possibly your wallet and keys.

9 a.m. WHAT DID I SAY? You packed your stuff ahead of time, right? Get your rest – you’ve got a big day ahead of you. The only way we’ll understand leaving your bed is for Kegs and Eggs, or the new free buffet at Charlie Bear. That’s acceptable preparation for a long day.

10 a.m. Look, it is Football Saturday, bud. You’ve got to get your ESPN on. There are important stats that need to be analyzed and you have to see what Lee Corso thinks. Plus, Kirk Herbstreit needs to feel your wrath. Don’t let him down. 

11 a.m. That’s enough ESPN for now. Get dressed (hold off on the face paint for a bit). Do a final check, make sure the coolers are iced and you didn’t forget some grilling tongs because it sucks to be flipping brats and burgers with your fingers. Oh, your wife said not to forget the turkey burgers. 

Noon Settle into the bar of your choice. We all have our favorites, right? Make sure it’s one with a couple of TVs so you can properly mock all of the teams ranked ahead of Ohio State as they fail to play well enough to deserve such esteem. 

1 p.m. Where are you going? The ’Shoe? What the hell for? Sit down, order some fried mac-n-cheese and relax. 

2 p.m. GET BACK IN HERE! Watch the rest of the early games and have some more beer. It’s your turn to buy the round and we’re all doing shots because you tried to leave. 

3 p.m. You’re breaking out in a cold sweat, aren’t you? Relax. Kickoff isn’t for 5 hours. Yeah, traffic is going to be a bitch, but only by Columbus standards. You’ll be in your spot by 4 p.m.

4 p.m. So I meant 4:30, big deal.

4:30 p.m. Set up cornhole, fill a red cup full of not beer.* 

5 p.m. Fire up the grill, re-fill red cup with more not beer. 

6 p.m. Eat, drink (not beer) and be merry, or watch Mary work that cornhole set like a pro in that sweet little half shirt. It’s the intangibles that really count in football. Apply face paint after Mary and your wife shoot you a disgusted glare. 

7 p.m. Close up shop and mosey on over to the stadium. 

8 p.m. Bitch about how they never start these damned games on time.

11:30 p.m. to 2:30 a.m. Well, you’re on your own here. I’m a responsible tailgater and journalist, so I’ll leave you to your own discretion. Don’t burn your cell phone battery – or any cars or dumpsters – and make sure you know how to distinguish between a taxi top and the blue-and-reds of a CPD cruiser. Had a buddy make that mistake once, and he woke up in the drunk tank wearing two left flip-flops. Don’t be that guy.

*Helpful beer drinking hint: Go with a keg and cleverly stash it inside of a Brutus the Buckeye statue. You can use a waterproof foam and fill his belly with ice. Be creative on where you hide the tap._      

**If you get caught, leave (614) out of it because we were only joking. (614) doesn’t endorse illegal consumption. Shame on you.