“When are they going to make diet biscuits and gravy?”

– comedian Jim Gaffigan, via Twitter

Well Jim, sad to say. there is no such thing. If you’re sitting down to breakfast and ordering sausage gravy poured over biscuits, eating light and fit is not your priority. With a simple combination of ingredients, biscuits and gravy packs a flavorful and caloric punch. There’s nothing too fancy about it: no exotic egg or meat preparations, no specialized ingredients to buy – and absolutely no fruits or vegetables involved.

So where does Columbus drown its sorrows by the plate? Follow me.

Our first stop is Hang Over Easy (1646 Neil Ave., www.hangovereasy.com). HOE whips up a fresh batch of their sausage gravy every morning. Owner Nick Bedro and Manger Brian Vura recently revamped their recipe, one that utilizes a standard pork sausage for their gravy, seasoned with kosher salt, cracked pepper and a hint of tarragon, along with a secret ingredient. Plus, there’s a secret ingredient. A single order sets you back $6.50 and the massive plate is topped with two eggs.

If you’re pushing for something a little less heavy, but are still seeking a ladle-full of gravy goodness, then head to Tasi Café (680 N Pearl St., www.tasicafe.com). Tasi prepares some of my favorite biscuits and gravy in Columbus. They use pork sausage, too, but it’s leaner than most, so the gravy doesn’t land like a cannonball in your stomach. The biscuits are fluffy, with a delicate crust around them. The seasoning is spot-on, and the presentation – as you’d expect at Tasi – is exquisite. Yeah, I just called biscuits and gravy exquisite.

But biscuits and gravy don’t always have to come on a plate or in a bowl. Visit Daybreak Diner (1168 E Weber Rd., www.daybreakdiner.net), where Bill Kinniard offers the standard preparation of Alma’s Five-Star Biscuits & Gravy. Or dig into the Five-Star Omelet, which rolls a generous helping of the gravy with cheddar cheese inside a two-egg omelet. The gravy oozes out the side of the omelet when you cut it with a fork, perfect for dipping for your toast.

Sunny Street Café (277 W Nationwide Blvd., www.sunnystreetcafe.com) serves up sausage two ways in their Stuffed Biscuits & Gravy. They take biscuit “loaves” and first cram them with sausage, onions and green peppers, then smother it all with sausage gravy. Plunk down with a full order for $7.99, or scale back with a half order at $6.49.

A heavy sausage gravy can really put you to sleep, which is why you should always caffeinate appropriately. One of the most efficient ways to do this is to visit Travonna Coffee House in Short North (1195 N High St., www.travonnacoffee.com). Kill two birds with one stone by guzzling a shot of espresso or a flavored latte while chowing down on their Country Gravy Breakfast. They even let you choose the base: buttermilk biscuits, English muffins or a bagel.

Vegetarians, I can hear you weeping in the corner – take heart. The world of breakfast has heard your cry, and Whole World Restaurant (3269 N High St., www.wholeworldnaturalrestaurant.com) has answered with one of the city’s only offerings of vegetarian biscuits and gravy. Enjoy two giant, dense biscuits slathered in a vegetarian gravy. In lieu of sausage, Whole World packs in spices and herbs. The expert blend of salt, pepper, and garlic will make you forget meat ever played a role in this dish.

This journey may not be fit for the diet-conscious, but for those in need of a little comfort food, you’ve been given a glimpse of how Columbus does biscuits and gravy. Whether you opt for light or chunky, loaded with meat or sans, rolled into omelets or baked into loaves, any option will warm your heart, no matter how much the gravy tries to slow it down.