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Hopplegangers

I think you could call this a “full-bodied” pour.

Our local beer purveyors have always been a collaborative bunch, but this spring they’ve found an extra inventive way to set our city’s craft scene apart from the rest.

Thanks to Knockout Concepts—an innovative 3D software and printing company— and the painstaking strokes of artist Kendric Tonn, 20 local brewers now reign as life-like mascots on their own beers’ tap handles.

But just how close did the artist and the automation get to the real thing? We couldn’t resist a chance to poke the brewing bears and get their immediate thoughts on being copied.

Colin Vent • Seventh Son

Brewing for: 4 years

Best beer not brewed by him: CBC Bodhi

Best beer tap not featuring him: Dogfish Head’s Steampunk

So, we have to ask: are the tap handles… anatomically correct? As close as technology can get at this point. That’s all I’m sayin.’

Are you worried that your souls might be trapped in the handles? You can’t trap that which doesn’t exist.

What will you do when the handles become animated and go on killing sprees like beer-soaked Chuckie dolls? Loot the corpses; go to Disneyworld.

Do you worry that the handles might discourage sales? Son, please…

If all of the tap handles got into a fight, which one would win? Probably the one using the keg as a weapon.

Which tap handle can drink the most beer? No comment.

Why does Colin look like the lead singer of a boy band? Who says I’m not?

Why does Carey look too young to be in a boy band? Have you checked his ID? I’ve actually never seen him pay for a beer.

Why does Angelo look like there are human remains in that cask? Angelo is very creative, and you know what they say—waste not, want not…

Do all brewers own just one pair of jeans? Two pairs, that way you can trade off week to week.

Chris Davison • Wolf’s Ridge Brewing

Brewing for: Six years

Best beer not brewed by him: Lineage’s Kimmy Gibbler

Best beer tap not featuring him: Dogfish Head’s Steampunk

So, we have to ask: are the tap handles… anatomically correct? No, the beard is too small.

Are you worried that your souls might be trapped in the handles? Not my own handle, but I fear that the Angelo handle might steal my soul.

What will you do when the handles become animated and go on killing sprees like beer-soaked Chuckie dolls? Keep a spray bottle full of water around to fend it off. Worked on Mini-Me…

Do you worry that the handles might discourage sales? No, they’ll probably increase sales, even if just to see us each get a full-body grip every pour.

If all of the tap handles got into a fight, which one would win? I think Angelo’s cask is the most potent weapon.

Which tap handle can drink the most beer? I’ll say mine, since I drink beer by the half gallon.

Why does Colin look like the lead singer of a boy band? I guess modern boy bands have tattoos to look cool, but typically nothing as substantial or artistic. Does that make him the bad boy or the leader of the band?

Why does Carey look too young to be in a boy band? The squeaky clean image typically goes away after they quit the Disney Channel to join the band full time. Maybe he’s still waiting for his rebellious phase.

Why does Angelo look like there are human remains in that cask? Stuff has definitely gone down there, but we’re all too smart to ask about it.

Do all brewers own just one pair of jeans? Nah, but they are often the most comfortable brewing attire.

Zack Cline • Rockmill Brewery

Brewing for: Six years

Best beer not brewed by him: Whatever is in my glass at the time

Best beer tap not featuring him: Too drunk to remember (but it was awesome)

So, we have to ask: are the tap handles… anatomically correct? The handles have obviously been doctored. I look much more handsome as a tap handle than I do in real life.

Are you worried that your souls might be trapped in the handles? It is in fact trapped in there but I am not worried about it.

What will you do when the handles become animated and go on killing sprees like beer-soaked Chuckie dolls? Say “I told ya so.”

Do you worry that the handles might discourage sales? Not if we put it butt-side out.

If all of the tap handles got into a fight, which one would win? Which tap handle can drink the most beer? Why does Colin look like the lead singer of a boy band? Why does Carey look too young to be in a boy band? Why does Angelo look like there are human remains in that cask? Colin was actually the sixth New Kid on the Block but he doesn’t like to talk about it. Even bringing it up drives him to drink insane amounts of beer and want to fight everybody. So he grabs the young, tiny, concealable Carey tap handle and sharpens it into a prison shank with which he stabs everyone to death except for Angelo who is forced to be his “cask bitch” and carry all the human remains.

Do all brewers own just one pair of jeans? They can stand by themselves like a suit of armor.

Angelo Signorino • Barley’s

Brewing for: 24 years

Best beer not brewed by him: CBC Bodhi

Best beer tap not featuring him: Rogue Dead Guy

So, we have to ask: are the tap handles… anatomically correct? My beer belly and my nose don’t look as big as they are in real life. I’ll leave it at that.

Are you worried that your souls might be trapped in the handles? I sold my soul when I lost my wedding ring the day we first brewed at Barley’s. It’s the only rational explanation for almost a quarter century of marital bliss and continuous brewery employment.

What will you do when the handles become animated and go on killing sprees like beer-soaked Chuckie dolls? Cheryl Harrison assured me that she won’t do anything weird while the tap handle is in her possession. I think that answers your question.

Do you worry that the handles might discourage sales? Have you even seen Vic Schiltz’s?

If all of the tap handles got into a fight, which one would win? A fool wouldn’t put his money on Craig from Sideswipe.

Which tap handle can drink the most beer? From first hand experience, I would say Lenny.

Why does Colin look like the lead singer of a boy band? His secret is safe with me.

Why does Carey look too young to be in a boy band? Clean living.

Why does Angelo look like there are human remains in that cask? I work on top of what used to be the Old North Cemetery. There are human remains everywhere.

Do all brewers own just one pair of jeans? Technically, I do own just one pair of jeans. My teenage son gave me a pair that he bought for himself. He didn’t like the way they fit. I have no tattoos or Civil War beard, so said skinny jeans have never touched my skin. 

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