Q: Wait, the 14th amendment? The hell is that? I thought there were only 10 amendments.
A: Actually there are at least 362 by our last count. Most of them deal with how to properly fold the flag.
Q: How can this be legal? We didn’t approve it by a vote. Aren’t they ignoring the will of the people?
A: At this year’s People’s Choice Awards, the citizens of this great nation picked Gone Girl as our favorite movie, The Big Bang Theory as our favorite TV show, and Ed Sheeran as our favorite musician. So let’s not pretend our collective will is spot on. Did anyone even see Gone Girl? That movie was a turd.
Q: What should I tell my kids?
A: Whatever you want. They’re kids. My grandpa convinced me M&Ms fell from the air conditioning vents when I was young. They’ll believe anything.
Q: Michael Sam or Rosie O’Donnell?
A: Clay Aiken
Q: What should I expect at my first gay wedding reception?
A: I went to a gay New Year’s Eve party this year and a guy chopped off the top half of a champagne bottle with a machete. So considering that lone example, the bride will be a middle aged man who’s been waiting his entire adult life for this moment and is wielding primitive weaponry near an open bar. Can’t wait.
Q: I’m allergic to glitter. Any suggestions?
A: Glow sticks
Q: Will Jesus still save me?
A: Yes, approximately 20 percent, so long as you’re a registered nonprofit. For now.
Q: If we legalize weed, will that also be gay?
A: No, the members of the state legislature will never mix two things they’re afraid to admit they experimented with in college.
Q: Tacos or burritos?
A: What about the salsa? WHY ISN’T ANYONE TALKING ABOUT THE GODDAMN SALSA?!?!
Q: As Western Society as we know it quickly dissolves into an immoral abyss—as reported exhaustively by Fox News—and we’re forced to succumb to the base impulses of a valueless culture, should we begin having sex with dogs or trees first?
A: Trees. Nobody gives a shit about the environment, and we all know what they did to Michael Vick.
Q: Am I gay now?
A: Yes, you have no choice. Ironic, right?