(Editor’s note: We asked Columbus music star Lydia Loveless, whose biting sense of humor sometimes gets lost in dorky Internet reviews of her “whiskey-soaked” songs, to write the Parting Shot for our Music Issue. She asked us for a topic. We told her to pick one. Here it is, in perfect Loveless fashion)
Ask any woman what their favorite season is and they will unequivocally answer, “Summer, duh!” It’s all romantic bonfires, reading 50 Shades by the pool, and rosé (but not too many, ladies). But, the most important thing is looking good for other people. Here are some expert tips to help you wow everyone you walk by and make every man want you:
The standing desk isn’t just some “crazy hipster trend.” It is 100 percent proven to increase brain health and lifespan. Ernest Hemingway, for instance, wrote standing up at his desk every day. Relaxing is just not healthy. Find ways to work in exercise no matter what you’re doing. Get creative—try running down the stairs with the laundry basket in your arms or using the shower-curtain rod to do chin-ups. In no time you’ll notice a significant change in how you look and feel about your body.
Get Proper Sleep
You don’t want dark circles and wrinkles to get in the way of inner peace and self-worth, and getting plenty of sleep (10-12 hours a night) is the only way to ensure they don’t. Everyone has the ability to sleep peacefully through the night, but our modern lifestyles (Angry Birds in bed, anyone?!) have caused us to lose that. Make a decision to go to bed earlier every night and stick to it. Try going to bed an hour earlier every night, starting at 10, then 9, 8, 7, 6. You’ll be in bed by 4 p.m. before you know it and feeling much more energetic.
Studies show that other than steak pan-fried in coconut oil, there is absolutely NO REASON human beings need to eat solid food anymore. Solid food is full of toxins and toxins are the only cause of acne and excess body fat (major SUMMER BUMMER!). I know you’re thinking, “Ew, green things taste bad.” But it is an absolute fact that sucking kale through a straw improves the taste AND nutritional value by 66 percent. Add flavor with lemon juice or cayenne pepper, both of which LITERALLY burn fat off of your body. You will eventually train your tastebuds to enjoy the absolute minimal amount of nutrients possible, and it will be tasty and affordable. Win-win!
You don’t want a single layer of your actual skin to remain on your body for more than 12 hours. Otherwise, your #nofilter selfies just aren’t going to “pop.” Try the natural, easy-to-make-at-home recipe I got from my Grandmother. All you need is three simple ingredients that you can find in any grocery store: Amabito No Moshio salt, saffron, and matcha green tea powder. Take those three ingredients, rub them into a slab of Kobe beef for 30 minutes, and slap that baby all over your body. You’ll be glowing like Beyonce in no time.
You know how people are always telling you to smile? It’s not because they’re rude and imposing. It’s because a focused or relaxed look is U-G-L-Y ugly. No matter what you are doing or how you might be feeling, you should be smiling. Scientists are now saying you can actually force yourself into a better mood by smiling, which is totally not depressing and completely different from thinking you can move objects with your mind.
So, if you’re tired of being unsure if you’re really worthy of being catcalled every 10 feet, try putting in a little more effort. You’ll be having fun in the sun in no time.
As of press time, Loveless was completing a European tour with her band, giving zero f*cks,
and taking even less shit from anyone. For more, visit lydialoveless.com.