It’s that time of year: when you spend uncomfortable time with family members who you never actually talk to, and who haven’t had a meaningful conversation with you since you were five years old. Even then, that conversation centered on your love of Play-Doh. So…not exactly deep. And if you identify as LGBT, the conversations get even weirder. In honor of the holiday season, I have a drinking game to deal with your awkward family (and mine). Don’t worry, allies—you can also play this game. Just stick by your gay cousin Johnathan and drink whenever he does.
Here are the rules: Every time you hear a certain phrase, take a drink! Not a drinker? You can replace each one of these drinks with a slice of pie, some non-alcoholic egg nog, or cocaine! No wait, I’m kidding about the cocaine. Pass the pie please.
Phrase No. 1 “You know, my cleaning lady/attorney/hairdresser/accountant/gardener is gay.”
The drink that goes with this phrase: Mix one cup regular coffee with one shot of Bailey’s, garnish with a peppermint stick. Don’t use decaf…it’s going to be a long brunch.
Phrase No. 2 “What’s your friend’s name?” MY FRIEND I’VE BEEN LIVING WITH FOR FOUR YEARS, AND WE HAVE TWO DOGS TOGETHER, AND ARE CLEARLY LIVING IN DELICIOUSLY GAY SIN?! THAT FRIEND?!
Drink: Mix one bottle of champagne with a splash of OJ. Chug from the bottle.
Phrase No. 3 “Whatever happened to ____, your ex [of the opposite sex]? He/she was so great.”
Drink: Bourbon on the rocks…make it a strong pour. It’s your uncle’s good bourbon and he doesn’t need that much. He’s already plastered.
Bonus round: If they keep in touch with the aforementioned ex and show you pictures of the two of them on a fishing trip. For that, double the bourbon pour.
Phrase No. 4 “I’m so glad you brought your…buddy…to dinner.” It’s even better if someone says this in FRONT of your partner.
Drink: Vodka out of the bottle. Cut out the middle man (the middle man = the glass and the ice.)
Phrase No. 5 “When are you getting married?” This is an annoying question no matter your sexual orientation or gender identity. Because it’s ridiculous.
Drink: Water. Because if you get too drunk, you will cause a physical altercation.
These are just a few of the gems you can expect this holiday season. I consider myself lucky in that all my family does during the holidays is dress in all white and drink gallons of white wine, which you can see in the photo above.
SEE HOW GOOD-LOOKING WE ALL ARE. Okay…that’s not my family, but we really are very good-looking as a whole. Seriously, ya’ll… I consider myself lucky to have a family to go home to at all. I realize that not everyone is so lucky. So remember to hug your great-aunt after she calls your partner your roommate, and pour an extra glass of Chablis for your second cousin who insists on asking if you know every gay person in your hometown (which you do, of course). Because at the end of the day, when you crawl into bed, you are still f*cking fabulous no matter what anyone says. •
Brooke Cartus is a comedian and law student in Columbus. Her first comedy album, Size L for Lady, was released in August, and she has lived with her ”buddy” for two years. For more, visit brookecartus.com.