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EXERCISE YOUR FACE OFF!

Tech gadgets are great and getting better all the time, but some new inventions probably should have died on the drawing board – for example, the Shake Weight. Sometimes it seems like the devices are so bizarre or useless that they have to be made up, so why not invent some fake ones? Read the list below and see if you can separate the real health and fitness doohickeys from our imaginary thingamajigs.

Vessyl

This futuristic cup analyzes the nutritional content of whatever you’re drinking and displays the information on the outside. It can calculate the sugar, caffeine, fat and protein inside your daily beverages, and it syncs with smartphones and activity-trackers to keep tabs on your drinking habits. It’s very useful for absentminded but health-conscious people who leave half-filled cups around the house. Yes, that’s still Mountain Dew Code Red, and yes, it’s still terrible for you.

FaceTrainer

You’ve probably heard the stats about how many muscles it takes to smile and frown, but what do you do if you’re really serious about sculpting your face? You do FaceTrainer, that’s what. This training mask plus exercise system is a revolution in facial fitness that aims to reduce wrinkles and lines by blasting your mug with resistance workouts. It takes just 10 minutes a day and comes with an instructional video to lead users through basic moves and advanced training techniques, for the true face fitness freaks out there.

Gtech Air Ram

You don’t have to be in a gym to burn calories, or even working out for that matter. Your body also uses calories for everyday activities, like, say, vacuuming. Introducing the Gtech Air Ram, a vacuum cleaner that counts the calories you burn while you clean. No, it’s still not OK to give this to your spouse for an anniversary/birthday/Christmas/Valentine’s present.

JumpSnap

 Let’s agree, the worst part about jump ropes is the rope. It’s always in the way, a huge tripping hazard, and who could be expected to get both feet off the ground at the same time? That’s not an issue with the new JumpSnap, a computerized jump rope with no rope, instead favoring wireless handheld controllers to simulate the exercise. Enjoy a rope-free, high-intensity, full-body workout, so long as you don’t mind looking like an airport runway employee at a rave.

FatWorld

A new app for Google Glass – the internet-on-your-face eyewear – FatWorld turns your natural environment into a never-ending series of fitness challenges to keep you thin and in shape. Like a combination of parkour and The Walking Dead, the augmented reality game features overweight zombies that amble slowly but steadily closer while you rack up CalBars (for burning calories) by climbing fences, bear-crawling down city streets and hopping over traffic cones. Quick, scramble up that street pole or you’ll get fat!

SexFit

The world’s first tracker for working out between the sheets, men wear SexFit at the base of the penis so you can finally know all the vital statistics of gettin’ it on. The device features a pacing mode to get you moving effectively, and the app tracks calories burned and thrusts per minute. You can even share your sexercise performance on social media. Because there’s no way that could end poorly.

RunPhones Intensity

Have you ever thought to yourself, “I wish I could have my trainer in my ear at all times?” Now you can with RunPhones Intensity, a headband with earphones built into the lining. The speakers play energizing music to get you moving, a steady beat to help set the pace and the voice of a virtual motivational instructor to urge you along. Is that a fictional trainer or the voice inside your head? Just keep running – some days it’s tough to know.

So what do you think, which devices are real and which ones are imaginary? Did you guess FatWorld is fake? Because it is, but it’s also the only one. Yup, the rest are oh so real, and even FatWorld is probably in development in some Silicon Valley office. Practice your bear-crawling; it’s only a matter of time.

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