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Photo courtesy Damn the Witch Siren

Fall Plea

Today I come to you, hat (and scarf) in hand, begging you to join together for the greater good. Autumn is upon us, and we are not on track to meet its demands. Fall is a fickle beast that must be appeased, and as the threat of Christmas Carols and snowman sweaters looms, our situation becomes more dire. This month, Fall will come out of its hole, and survey its surroundings. It will take stock of the piles of leaves, count the pumpkins, and decorative gourds on display, and visit the nearest coffee shop to make sure that pumpkin spice syrup is being flushed into every latte.

We cannot allow fall to scamper back into seclusion and end our season prematurely. We cannot repeat the mistakes of seasons past. We must demand that our friends and colleagues wear flannel and yoga pants. We must ensure that the autumnal spirit shows in each and every scarf we wrap around our not-even-that-cold necks, before that very same scarf becomes the noose we tied ourselves.

Drink deeply of its essence.

We cannot continue to flirt with baking spices and stone fruits. It is time to commit. I implore you to storm the gates of your grocers and demand ciders. Your cup shall runneth over with pumpkin dpice lattes until you find yourself shaking on the floor of your office, looking up at the fall arrangement that Rhonda brought in last Thursday. Demand hot cocktails at all happy hours throughout the city. Toddies, buttered rum, Irish coffees…it doesn’t matter. What matters is that they are hot, filled with booze, and garnished with ground nutmeg. Thirsty Dog didn’t even release its pumpkin beer until late September – surely there are kegs yet to be tapped. You cannot give in to peppermint and gingerbread. Fall sees you when you drink black coffee. It sees that Gatorade you brought to the gym. Are you trying to ruin it for us all?

Sit on your throne of Straw.

Fall does not care that it pokes through your leggings. Fall does not care that you will be itchy for days. If there is straw on a trailer, and that trailer is attached to a tractor, you’re going to sit on it, and you’ll like it. As the staff at Circle S Farms sends the official visitor logs off to be reviewed by the authorities, think back. If you did not spend at least 30 percent of last month bouncing around on a trailer somewhere outside of the outer belt, you can bet Fall noticed, and Fall is pissed.

I’m not sure you’ve been eating enough pie.

Assuming you’ve been on steady four-pie-a-week rations for the past month, of which three were pumpkin, that brings us to 12 pumpkin pies, and four “other” pies. Does that sound like enough to you? What are you even going to do with all those apples you picked? This of course doesn’t begin to account for your lack of fritters and cake doughnuts. Can we pick up the pace a bit? Fall doesn’t believe in excuses, so don’t pull the “I don’t bake” line. Call Sassafrass Bakery in Worthington; demand that Cravings Cafe continue to serve pumpkin cookies, and for God’s sake don’t you dare break out any conifer-themed cookie cutters.

Keep your sweater game tight.

Each cardigan you buy halts the Earth from tilting one more degree away from
the sun.

You could be forgiven for dismissing this article as the ravings of a lunatic, but I implore you to look at the evidence! Science tells us that un-sustained Fall enthusiasm is to blame for our disappearing season. Winter will be colder than ever, and I won’t stand idly by and watch as the flame on our autumn harvest candle is extinguished. If each and every person reading this bought just one Jetta to drive around while listening to Nick Drake’s Pink Moon, we wouldn’t even need to be have this conversation. We can do this Columbus. I know we can.

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