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This List is the Best List About Columbus’s Best Lists

5th Most Fashion-Forward City in the U.S.
2nd Best Golf City in America (for design)
9th Best City for New College Grads
Top 10 Most Affordable Cities
Top 10 Best Big Cities
8th Best Metro Area for Economic Development Projects
Top City for Working Moms (Forbes)
Best City for African Americans (BET.com)
21st Best City for Green Buildings
13th Best Large City For Job Growth
Top 10 Cities for Bedbugs
5th Best City with the Most 24-30 year-olds
Friendliest City for Vintage Cars
14th In Penis size (you’re welcome?)

Those are just a few of the “Top [X] Cities for __________” lists Columbus has made in the last few years. Personally, I swell up a little every time my city makes its way onto a list (sometimes even when it’s a bad one), but there are a lot more lists we are tailor-made for; it just appears they have not been created yet. So, allow me:

Top 10 Squirrel Havens

We gotta be on there. I mean, we’re probably not topping that list, because I’ll bet Portland (DAMN YOU, PORTLAAAAAAAAND!) is likely surrounded by more trees, but you can’t deny that it’s Squirrel Central up in here. My grandfather used to tell me a squirrel could go from the Ohio River to Lake Erie without touching the ground, due to the massive forests we once claimed. It would seem that once the squirrels in Columbus saw all the logging, they collectively said, “Wait one minute, fellas. Don’t scurry off just yet. These people look like eaters, for sure. I think if we hole up here, we can ride this thing out.” I saw a squirrel pull a knife on someone once. They’ve adapted very well to the changing environment.

Top City For Vinyl

I’m not talking exclusively about records, though we are a heavy hitter in that area. I’m talking about vinyl, in general. So let’s put the records in play, but we also have to include vinyl couches (thank you, OSU and Hilltop), vinyl clothing (hats off, Goth kids and sex shops), vinyl siding (I’m looking at you, suburbs and bland exterior walls of new apartment complexes around town), and vinyl awnings (cheers, Short North…and again, Hilltop). Clearly we’re in love with this chemical-group textile.

Best Pizza:Party-Cut Category

Mikey’s Late Night Slice is awesome, I’ll give you that. And I spent more than a few intoxicated college evenings wobbling back and forth in Catfish Biff’s. I respect the triangle: it folds, you can eat it and walk, and the more you eat it, the more there is, by some tasty twist of geometry. But when it comes to square-cut pizza, we’re the Big Cheese. That’s probably because when a huge Catholic family like mine sits down to evenly divide a pizza and sees eight slices, somebody is going to ask “where are the other seven slices?” Good lookin‘ out Plank’s, Donatos, and Adriaticos.

Most Incompatible Driving Styles

My friends and I have said this for years. Columbus is a melting pot of driving culture. It wasn’t until I went to other cities that I realized how much. It’s definitely because of our transplant volume. We’ve got people from all over, and I’m sure when people from Cleveland go back to Cleveland for the holidays, they drive just fine. And when Chicagoans return to The Windy City, everyone else drives like they’re at Talladega too, but put them all in one city and it’s complete and total chaos. Which brings me to…

City That Most Needs A Train, Wants A Train, Would Vote For A Train, But Which, For Some F**king Reason, Doesn’t Have A Train.

The title says it all, I feel.

Tallest Hipsters

I think we can all agree that we wouldn’t be the most hipster city around (cough…PORTLAND!) or the tallest – which probably goes to some city in Minnesota with Viking genes, but as far as tallest hipsters go, I think we’ve got that one. I’ve never seen so many unintentional skinny jean capris in my life. When I passed through Williamsburg a couple years ago, I think some of the children (named Hüsker, or whatever) feared I might be a giant there to eat them.

Best City

I realize this one is biased, but it makes for a good closing paragraph. Not only do I think this is the best city, but I think one day it could even be the greatest city – though I’m not sure what that means. It could be for all the reasons we seem to make lists lately. It could be for all the reasons we made these fake lists. As a humorist, I can tell you that it seems to be the funniest city I’ve ever been in – and that’s a damn good start. This is a likeable place, and if for some reason you disagree, well…there’re a lot of lists above that beg to differ. Pick yourself out some place nice. Me, I’m sticking around to see what happens. •

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