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Fauxbituaries: To the Faithful Departed

The Hesperian, or Western Monthly; a monthly miscellany of general literature, original and select 1838-1839
With a sexy, pithy name like that it’s hard to believe one of Columbus’s first magazines lasted only fifteen issues. This light in the literary darkness set its sights high, aiming to preserve “the important records of the teeming and romantic PAST … the bright visions of song, and the fair images of story, which gild the gloom and lighten the sorrows of the ever-fleeting PRESENT … [and] the light to guide us through the shadowed but unknown FUTURE.” Unfortunately, it shined too bright to last in this cruel, cruel world.

Cause of death: ambition.
Survived by: literally everything else.

CMH Magazine 2009-2010ish
CMH arrived on the scene in 2009 with a stylish eye toward Columbus’s style, verve, fashion, and style and presented the city with a pretty, narcissistic view of itself. Named after an airport kiosk, the magazine attempted to appeal to “urban insiders, sophisticated suburbanites, and savvy hipsters,” forgetting of course that hipsters would never admit to reading anything so fashionable unless it was ironic.CMH was also widely regarded as Columbus’s finest guide to the South of France. Questions began to emerge about whether it was still in print in late 2010. Rumors swirled (okay, one rumor) on Columbus Underground alleging that it had merged with (614), which is untrue but would have been helpful, as all of our photography equipment was “misplaced” in a backroom closet behind a large “sexy M&M” figurine until last week.

Cause of death: Glossy headshot.
Survived by: Cityscene, Instagram

The Other 1990-2013
Columbus’s favorite publication to love and hate, The Other Paper was an antagonistic thorn in the sides of the political establishment and its eventual owner and killer, The Dispatch Printing Company & Media Woodchipper. As eloquently described in former TOP writer Lyndsey Teter’s (614) memorial in February 2013, the alt-weekly was an irreverent take on the city’s most under-reported and overly salacious “news” stories. The motley cast of reporters and editors covered topics that were sometimes vital and other times idiotic, with a drive that ranged from selfless truth-seeking to, “F*ck it, let’s just go to happy hour.” Purchased by the Dispatch Co. after more than 20 years, _TOP_ spiraled into a helpless abyss of bad ideas, and in 2013, staff members were kindly told they could all go to the great happy hour in the sky.

Cause of death: not being alive!
Survived by: The Free Press, wanton media consolidation

“C” Magazine ??-??
Like a Christopher Nolan dreamworld, no one is totally sure exactly when “C” Magazine began or ended, or if it’s still happening…(?) Printed monthly for a while, then eight times a year (perhaps adding to the general confusion about its existence), “C” emphasized “what to wear | where to go | where to be” then refocused on “what to eat |where to go| who’s who,” but never quite got around to when, how, or most especially, why. Whether it was an originator or a bandwagon hanger-on; a meteor across the stratosphere or a long-time bastion of the scene – Columbus will never know. We’ll… miss you?

Cause of death: whatever killed Christian Bale’s character in The Prestige (is he even dead?!)
Survived by: an idea of itself, a sense of vertigo

(614)Magazine 2009-??
We were birthed into a city that viewed the tumultuous publishing industry and all its “here today, gone tomorrow” magazines with an appropriate level of skepticism. The sentiment from some was, “We need another magazine like we need a hole in the head.” Well it’s been five years, Columbus, and we’ve hung on this long, filling the hole in your head with things that matter to you, things that matter to us, and some things that just don’t matter at all. Whenever we do go into that good night, please keep in mind this Doug Coughlin maxim from Cocktail: “Bury the dead. They stink up the joint. As for the rest of Coughlin’s Laws, ignore them. The guy was always full of shit.”

Cause of death: probably some kind of natural apocalypse.
Survived by (circle one): The Dispatch, available advertising dollars, Mayor Mike Coleman

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